Thursday, November 18, 2010

Embryos

I have thought to myself... FINALLY. Well I haven't forgotten about my embryo story. not a day goes by that I dont think about it.
This post was extremely hard, mentally to explain things but emotionally. Everytime I would start to write I would cry.
I know it seems weird I can say that this was hard to write before actually writing anything.... well technically I have written roughly 5 or 6 posts and deleted all of them on this topic. Why do I have such a hard time, its because when dealing with invitro to begin with people are EXTREMELY opinionated and embryos well that is even bigger opinionated topic. With that being said I welcome all comments, good or bad. I have come to terms with my decision and dont really care what others think, nothing anyone says will change my actions right now. -Sorry if that seems harsh.
Ok before I get into my process I know most know what an Embryo is, well let me say you know the technical definition of an embryo. Here is what it really is..... YOUR LIVING CHILD. Not just a fertilized egg. My embryos are my children. my egg fertilized by Craig's sperm and at 7 day gestation.
So why am I talking about embryos, no I am not thinking of getting pregnant, but in May of 2009 I had my egg retrieval and on May 13th I had my Embryo transfer of 2 embryos, leaving 4 embryos to freeze. The fertility clinic I went to give you a year of free storage. After that year you begin to pay 45 bucks a month for storage. Well this past June I got my first bill. The dollar amount was not a big deal its what the bill represented.... making a decision. I had not thought about my embryos since they told me four were frozen, so for this to be the way it comes back up was tough. Literally how do you put a price on love... well they did it for me 45 bucks a month.
For most IVF is not something you are super familar with but, before you begin the process you have to sign a TON of paperwork, they ask you questions like; in the event of a divorce who gets control of embryos? As a spouse do you allow the other to take your sperm/egg to produce a child, if they are not able to do so on their own, etc. When it comes to the embryos they give you options on what you would like to do. Well there is so much paperwork, they once we signed it all I never looked at it again, there was no question in my mind that we would be together, so not concerned. But they also had questions asking about once we were done with IVF our choices for the future of the frozen embryos. The choices were 1. allow transfer of all embryos at an inopportune time. (in a nutshell that means pay money to have them put the embryos in you during your period to cause you to essentially miscarry) -that was a HECK NO! 2. embryo donation, we give them to the clinic to allow a couple to donate the embryos. 3. donate to embryo research. 4. ask fertility clinic to dispose of them. (they would thaw them out and not do anything with them).
I know everyone is different but I think its pretty obvious that option 1 and 4 are out. I cannot imagine killing embryos. Even before going through any of this those would have never been options.
So my battle came between donate for adoption or for research. I know people feel that embryo research is killing a child, and to some extent I do agree, but for me I would rather my unborn children help benefit children in the future. With embryo adoption, the reason I had a hard time with this is that I have no problems carrying children and the only reason we would not have them would be because of money, and to give them to someone else and fast forward 18 years when they could contact us, I would not have a good answer on why I gave them up for adoption. The chances of that happening are slim to none, but it still haunts me.  Now the costs of the two choices. donating for adoption, free, we just have to go to OKC to sign a form and give a vial of blood for testing. cost for embryo research minimum 750. that is for the costs of shipping the embryos to the research facilities-I know what some are thinking, if they want the embryos they should pay... nope not nearly enough funding for that. But 750 isn't that bad when you consider 45 bucks a month for a minimum of 5 years. I say 5 years because that is when my dr office would want me to make a decision to do something with them. and keeping them in storage is an option, but most are past their "baby making" time frame so thats not a typical option taken. Well even with the 750 costs I was willing to donate to research, well thats when it became really hard. Although they offer it as an option the fertility clinic does not have any research facilities to refer me to or help with contacting. And I know most have not tried researching embryo research facilities, and even if you have finding out if they will take embryos or who to contact to donate embryos is next to impossible. So since this has been so hard I have started looking into the idea of the only option for us is donating to embryo adoption. My problem with this is, I have looked into embryo adoption and for couples wanting to adopt, not only do you have to go through 5 hundred screenings, test, etc. but it will cost roughly 25k just to purchase the embryos. To me this seems like a huge scam. Fertility clinics are making a killing on embryos because you cannot get paid to donate embryos but yet they can charge nearly 25k for someone to have the embryos and even then, thats only for the frozen, the chances of a successful thaw are close to 1 in 3.
So I have been dealing with all of this for a few months now and when I talked to my doctor they recommended that I just pay the storage fees for atleast another 7 months (basically they said 2 years from when I did the transfer) they really said 2 years after the kids were born so I would have another year, but they said minimum 2 years from transfer, because my hormones are sitll all out of wack.
When I was told this I just kind of stopped trying every day to find facilities to donate too, but i still occasionally look around.
What I have decided to start looking at doing is trying to find a couple in need of embryos that cannot afford to go through the adoption process. I know that sounds crazy but you have to keep in mind that most couples who have reached the point of embryo adoption have tried and been unsuccessful in IVF, which for most will cost anywhere from 7k-18k a round.
So the final verdict as it stands today is I will keep the embryos until May 2011, and will reevaulate the situation at time.
***I know what you are thinking, why do this if you are going ot have more kids.... well that is the part I decided to leave out of the post, in a nutshell we do not want anymore kids, there are several reasons for this decision, which I may get to a post at some point in time***

Monday, November 15, 2010

To all the Mother's out there.

I know I need to catch up on my posts, but this couldn't wait.

*Invisible Mom*


It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible..
The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie
this? Can you open this?? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a
clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer,'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my
phone?, What's for dinner?'I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the
eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!? One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .
I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for  me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great
cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend
he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Ear infections, pink eye, broken bones and a baby

Last week, well the beginning of the week had been fun, and on Wednesday is when the "fun" began. When I picked up the kids on Wednesday from daycare, it seemed to be a normal day. The night had been a little rough and looking back the past week the nights have been rough. Caysen had been waking up roughly 2-3 am and not wanting to go back to sleep. He would go back to sleep but only if you were holding him, and not craddling him, but holding him upright. Which is not the most comfortable for Mom. Once he had been asleep for about 45minutes, you could attempt to slowly lay down with him on your chest, but he would wake up 50% of the time, then you start over until about 5:30 where he wakes up for the day and wants a bottle. So I picked up the kids from daycare and Caysen was as happy as could be. Both of them didn't eat as much as normal, but it was only a day or two of that, so nothing to be concerned with. What was a little different was that Price had what seem to be sleepies in her eyes. I put her in the car and wiped her eyes with a tissue. The car ride home was 15minutes and when we got there her eyes were goopier then before. So I kept looking at it and when Craig got home he even mentioned it. I cleaned her eye with a cool cloth and we went to the park, just being at the park her eyes seemed to get puffy and red, but she wasn't rubbing. Wednesday night she went down fine, but woke up in the middle of the night with her eye closed shut from matting. I called the Dr. and took her to the doctor. I figured she had pink eye. She was acting fine, so didn't think much of it. To my surprise the doctor said she didn't have pink eye but had two severe ear infections. I was shocked! They gave me meds and then after talking with my babysitter, I started piecing things together, and it all made sense, but it also shed light that Caysen may have an ear infection as well. Of course it would have been easy to take both kids to the doctor, but I had no idea there would be an issue, and it would have made sense to set up an appointment for Caysen before leaving the doctor. but of course not me. I called two hours later when it dawned on me. So that afternoon I took Caysen in and of course he had one as well. I was so happy and so mad at myself at the same time. Since the kids hadn't been sleeping through the night I was happy because this could be the reason why and I wouldn't need to put much work in to getting them back to sleeping through the night. But at the same time I felt mad at myself because I felt like I was being a bad mom. Mothers should be able to be in tune with their child and one little change I should noticed. and I didn't. The great thing about that night was that I gave them meds and they slept almost through the night. I say almost because they both woke up around 4:30. Mainly Caysen woke up because he was hungry and he woke Price up. That was an improvement. The only bad thing about the meds was that it made Price very sick. The doctor prescribe Augmetin (sp?) and Caysen did fine on it, even with flavor Price was not having it. Not only did she get sick, and I mean she was throwing up two hours after the medicine. And to add to Price's issues she is TERRIBLE at taking medicine. You literally waste half the medicine when you give it to her. I feel like a bad parent then as well because the best way to get her to take the medicine with minimal spill is to let her start crying and since her mouth is open you can put it in.-cruel I know but you do what you gotta do.
So on Thursday I was playing doctor with the babies when I got a phone call from my brother. Its nice to hear from him, but I always get worried when I do hear from him, because we dont talk that often. The conversation didn't start off great when he asked when was the last time I talked to mom. This was about 7pm and I told him around 5 when she was headed to Uncle Churbby's house (its a family members house that is litterally falling apart and he is too old to take care of it, so my parents are trying to make it liveable again). Well my brother said he didn't have details yet, but he pulled up to the house and saw my mom on the concrete face down with blood everywhere. -needless to say I was freaking out. Well long story short my mom was closing up the house and her hands were full, she slipped on the door frame and tried to break her fall with the storm door, but it didn't hold and she feel down the concrete steps. She broke her nose (actually has to have surgery next Tuesday on it) and fractured her radial head in her arm. Of course if this had to happen to anyone my mom is the best person, she is such a trooper. I get my extremely high pain tolerance from her. But its been a week not and she is doing great. We are actually going up this weekend to visit them. My main goal is to help get some of their to do list done. taking down wallpaper, painting, staining a fence, etc.
Well what a week, really what a day. On top of everything going on that Thursday one of our good friends was being induced on Friday. So I was trying to get everything I could done for them. (long story short, they dont have a lot of help around here) Luckily Heather's hub was home with her so I didn't have to do too much. So on Friday I was taking my trips to the hospital, bringing breakfast and lunch to Jeremy and checking on Heather. I am proud to say that at 6:27 pm Brynley Nicole Davis was born. 7 lbs 1 oz, and 19 1/2 inches long. She was so precious.
What a perfect ending to a crazy week.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Girls day out

Last Monday Craig, Caysen and the F-I-L, traveled to Dallas for Caysen's helmet appointment. I took this day to spend some quality time with Price. The tough thing about having twins, and really more then one child close to the same age, you never seem to be able to give them individual attention, and when you do give them attention it always seems like you are favoring one of the other. Recently since Caysen has had his helmet and physical therapy appointements, it has seemed like he has gotten a lot of extra individual attention. Yes I know they are only 8 months, they probably dont realize they are getting the same amount of attention. Well my thinking is, if they dont notice now, it atleast gives us practice for the future, when they will notice.  I know it seems a little odd, how can you give a child more attention because of a helmet and physical therapy. With his helmet we spend a little extra time with him in the bath, scrubbing his head making sure it doesn't smeal, and let it sit a little longer, and we majority of the time put Price in her crib before Caysen because it takes the two of us to put the helmet on. And with physical therapy-yeah sure not everyone would call physical therapy fun, but Caysen is only 8 months and all they do is "play" yes its work, but he doesn't realize that. Also its typically an afternoon appointment, so the normal routine, since I usually have to take him on my own, I pick him up from daycare and leave Price there and once PT is over we go to visit Daddy, and hang out for a bit before picking her up.
So with all this extra attention I decided Monday would be a great day to just hang out with Price. Theres not a lot an 8 month old can do, so we went shopping (Target) where Price was so cute, a little embarassing, but I will take her make noises over her crying anyday. The past month or so Price has not only found her voice and continue to get higher and louder every day, but she notices that the bigger the room the more sound she needs to make, and Target was the perfect stage. I loved it, she scared a few workers, because they didn't think a little thing like that could make such a loud noise-I didn't know she could get that loud either. Price was such a "help" she loved either playing with my purse and everything in it-not so fun part, and liked holding everything I got from a shelf.
I know shopping isn't much of a girls day, but it just makes me so excited to see her grow up, so that when we do "girls days" we can go get massages, nails,etc. on top of shopping.
The rest of the day wasn't a bust at all. we went to chik fil a for breakfast, and spent a long time at the park playing on the swings, and slides. Although there isn't much we can do, we hung out at the house, took a nap together, and just played on the floor. It was so much fun.
It was so fun I think we may try and do it once a month or atleast once every other month, so I can do one month Price and one month Caysen.
Here's a few pictures from the day:
Price's shopping outfit


Enjoying the swing


Posing for the camera

Final photo before naptime

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

First family park trip

In the past few weeks, the weather has been great. I am so excited for fall-kind of. I love the 70 degree weather, sunny, with a little wind. I love seeing all the leaves change colors. The only thing I dont like is that it means winter is coming and I hate cold weather.
Anyway last week we took the kids to the park to swing after dinner. We knew at daycare they liked being outside in the swing and at home in our swing inside, but had no idea how much fun they would have. They loved us pushing them, and seem to relax. They were so cute and of course Caysen, my little thinker, has to be the one to analyze the chains, the seat, etc. Once it met his inspection he was the daredevil trying to pull himself the a standing position while swinging, leaning to oneside and the other. It was very comical. Price on the other hand enjoyed just going really high and loved leaning back letting the wind blow through her hair. She doesn't have a lot of it but she was relaxing. But of course as soon as she saw her brother getting a little crazy she decided to swing with no hands, using her little belly has a cushion.
Times like these I really cant wait till we move and are able to get a playset in our backyard.
Its funny how we said we wouldn't be that family to have the "junk" in the backyard if the neighborhood has a park, but we love being outside so much, that we would never get anything done if we had to go to the park everytime to play. In the next few weeks we are going to go to the pumpking patch and I am so excited to see what they think of that. I am also super excited to carve pumpkins, and fix pumpkin seeds-they are my favorite. The only thing I am having a hard time with is I have no idea what the kids should be for Halloween. The reason I struggle with it is because Craig grew up not "celebrating" Halloween, and his idea of trick 'o treating was his parents allowed him to dress up like a super hero and they would let him go from room to room in his own house. -not exactly the norm. So he really isnt all about costumes, etc. This year because they will only be 9 months they dont know much about it and I just want to get them dressed up for pictures, and the idea of them trick 'o treating. I am sure a lot has changed since I was a kid.



Here a few photos of the park.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

cont'd and clarification of hubby bashing

My last post I had to vent a little about the hubs. All I said I did feel but I want to clarify that the biggest thing I have a hard time with now is not, not getting help once the kids were born. Dont get me wrong at the time it sucked, thats when having two babies didn't make it easy. You had lots of women who looked at me like I was the meanest women in the world because I put my kids on a schedule so early, I didn't let them "be kids". WRONG! when you have two and you are on your own, if you let them "be kids" (which that comment is just plain stupid because they are babies they need to be molded-personally opinion) I would Never get any sleep, or be able to do anything. Which most women who have had a baby know that getting a decent amount of sleep early on is hard to do let alone get anything else accomplished.
But I look back now and although I wish things would have been different and I would have had a little more help, I more feel sorry for Craig because he missed out, although it can be a litle boring at first since the babies dont do a whole lot, but I got to enjoy their first smile-which was at me. The first of everything.
What I wish I could change more then anything else is the pregnancy. And I did mention how it bugged me on my last post, but to make matters worse Friday night we went out to watch a friend's band and there were so many pregnant friends there that it was almost an overload. It just really got to me to see everyones husband being so loving to their wives belly's, you got the feeling that they were almost a little jealous that they weren't the ones caring the baby, because of the closeness, not the hormonal changes.
I think what makes it so hard to see, is that I really feel in my heart that if we got pregnant again Craig would be different he would be a little more "loving to the belly", which brings me to tears knowing there isn't another time-unless the .0001% chance we have the miracle baby happens.
Anyway just wanted to throw this clarification out there.
I am so excited about Monday. Craig and Caysen and my FIL are headed to Dallas for Caysen's helmet appointment, which leaves Price and I, and since I got cleared to lift my babies, but carful not to over do it, I am not taking her to daycare and we are having a girls day filled with shopping, parks, and getting my toes done. Days like tomorrow I cant wait till she gets a little older, so we can add massages to the list.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Warning-Hub bashing

I am still on bedrest so I have plenty of time to watch "trash tv", which is what is prompting me to write this.
Most women are busy during the day so they dont have the "luxury" to watch Maury, but I do. If you haven't watched in a long time, it has basically turned into the "Are you my daddy show". Alot of these men claim they are not the dad, talk a big game, etc. And the few that are the dad's half of them man up, want to be apart of the kids life. Its very sweet to realize they want to take responsiblity. But what strikes a nerve for me is that there are 18yr old BOYS that are wanting to be apart of a newborns life, be there to help with changing, feeding. the works. Immediately I get a little mad because I had two babies and a very capable husband that did NOTHING. I dont want to sound unappreciative of my husband because he does do alot, but when I was pregnant I didn't get any support. The most support I got was that he would come to every doctor appointment-which shocked me, and if I asked him to get something for me or help me he would, and instead of complaining he would just do it. I am very independent so most of the time it didn't bother me, the other thing he would do is always hit the handicap doors at work, when I would visit him so I didn't have to open the doors. and that actually bothered me because it made me feel helpless. But I never got foot rubs, back massages, anything. The only thing that he wanted to do was help with late night cravings-which I didn't have. When he realized that I didn't have sonic, mcdonalds, wendy cravings he was a little disappointed.
Once the kids were born he helped a lot at the hospital when he was there-my choice, I wanted him to work while I was in the hospital if he wanted to so that he could spend more time once the kids were home. The way he acted in the hospital I felt very encouraged he would be an awesome dad-never doubted it. But once I got home, he basically stopped and while he went to work, so did I taking care of the kids. Dont get me wrong I did have the mentality that since he has to go to work every day I would do as much as I could. In that thought I assumed, especially after the hospital, he would WANT to help me-wrong.
I am happy to report that now, he likes to help because the kids are doing more things and he can actually play with them, and every time I see him with the kids it makes me fill with joy.
At times I wonder why I got a hubby that suffered from BHS (broken husband syndrome-dont help with the kids) but I quickly realized that a lot of times you follow in your father's footsteps. Well his dad was rarely involved with him growing up, and it is very aparent he doesn't know what to do-but thats a different story.
So that is why I get so mad that I see these kids on TV that have nothing, that aren't married, that didn't plan on having kids, stepping up and enjoying being apart of everything.
I also have friends who have very involved hubby's and I have to say I am not a jealous person, but it does make me a little jealous.
ok done with the hubby bashing.

Prayer, Patience, Persistence

I took a nice little break, to kind of let things fall as they may. And I am proud to report that things are going good.
My last post I had a large list of things to do and I wish I could say they are all done-but they aren't! Anyone who knows me, knows I make lists, and a major planner and organizer, so to not have a list done is a little tough to swallow,so I wont talk about that-haha.
Well the last week I really had to get my emotions in check and focus on the now and what I can do today. My biggest hurdle was and I guess technically still is, the decision on embryos. Yes I am still working on that post, its hard to get much out because of the emotions, every time I start to think about it I just cry (I blame it on the hormones still).
Ok before I explain, let me give you a little bit of background as to why I have seen more then one doctor. Most women know that your Ob is typically the same doctor that you see while you are pregnant and if you are lucky deliver your baby and who you go to for all your "woman" appointments. So a month ago I had my yearly appointment with doctor who saw me through pregnancy and delivered the twins. At my post delivery appointment of course the doctor wants you to get on a birth control, and when you are breastfeeding there are very few options, well because of my infertility the chances of us getting pregnant without assistance is zero. Most women have heard stories of ladies who have said the same thing, and then they turn up pregnant. Which in the back of my mind I wish that could happen to us, but Craig and I both agreed that if we got pregnant it was indeed a miracle and would love it. So at my post delivery appointment we declined anything. Of course he again mentioned it at this recent appointment, and gave me the IUD option. If any of you ladies out there have had any experience with these please let me know. It sounds like a great idea. What concerned me is that I have PCOS, which the doctor did say he thought my right side seemed a little enlarged. Because of the IUD not messing with any hormones, I wasn't sure if it would have any side effects dealing with my PCOS, so I was already thinking I needed to talk to my fertility doctor, another Ob. And when I asked if I should continue my metformin (I was on this while pregnant and prior to the transfer to help my PCOS)he recommended I go see Dr. B.-fertility doctor.
Ok so I scheduled an appointment with Dr. B. and before I even got off the phone to make the appointment I was a little frustrated. The nurse there, I love, MK has been so sweet and when I called to schedule she was the one I talked to and asked me what was going on. (The reason she asked this was because not even three weeks earlier I had called her to get embryo research information/direction) I explained I was calling about just needing a check up because I was experiencing pain, which I and my other doctor thought could be PCOS and I wanted to know if I could get back on my metformin. Immediately she said,"why did you get off of it?"-A question like that makes you realized you should have never been off of it. My response to her was I didn't know I could be on it while breast feeding.
MK, " Of course dear it helps increase milk supply"
I told her thank you and got off the phone. I was so upset with myself. I stopped breastfeeding at 5 months, because I ran out, and even before then I never really was able to breastfeed 100%, but I would have loved help.
This information just added to all the emotions.-I think it was the breaking point
Over the weekend I decided to just really focus on what I could control, pray ALOT, and just let things happen.
So Monday was my appointment with Dr. B. everything checked out fine, I did have some cysts and they had no problem with the metformin. During this conversation they explained they prefer I try a birth control pill and if ok to stay on that because it will help with hormones and I wont have to be on a higher dose of metformin. He is ok with the IUD just not as the first option.
We started discussing the embryos because MK wanted to see if I had any updates on it. I told her it was very hard to find anything.
*As of right now Craig and I do not want anymore children therefore we need to pay 45 bucks a month for storage, or dispose of them. The option we have selected is to donate them to research-again my embryo posts has the details*
MK and Dr. B both said to suck it up if we can and pay the storage fees for atleast another 6 months before making a final decisions, because they have seen where people make a decision and regret it, and its because they make a decision to soon after their babies are born.
With this discussion I have decided to keep paying the storage fees for another 6 months and re-evaluate. So although the decision is made right now, I still have to tell Craig, and then I have to readdress it in 6 months.
Check #1 off on my "to-do" list.
I also found a day where all I wanted to do was sit around and file bills, so that took care of another tasks.
After Monday and my appointment I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders which was great and cleared my head. I still need to file insurance claim forms, but what made my day yesterday was I received an 800 check in the mail from the hospital, refunding me part of my money for my surgery. Not sure if I posted this or not, but August was a very tough month, physically, emotionally and financially. Long story short we paid out over $8,000 for medical expenses, in less then one month.
I feel that things are looking up and everything happens for a reason.
we couldn't help but buy this shirt it reads " dude, your girl friend keeps checking me out"

This one was perfect for Price, " what part of princess dont you understand"

Friday, September 17, 2010

Have you ever had so much on your mind that you dont know where to begin? Well thats how I feel right now, so I am not sure where this post will lead or not lead.
Its been three weeks now since I have had surgery and have been on bedrest. I never though it would be this hard to recover from a surgery NOT because of the physical aspect, but its been difficult because its a mental battle. What I mean by that is, that physically I feel pretty good, although today I hurt a little because of pushing it so hard the past few days, but I am not able drive (I have a little bit) do many chores, and yes its crazy but I love to vaccumm, and cant do anything. Or I should say I am not suppose to do anything, physically I feel fine, but I have to restrain myself to not lifting the kids, cleaning, being on my feet for long, no shopping, etc. I am sure to some it sounds fine, but I cant sit still and as one of my friends said, if you are a "thinker" alone time is not good for you. And I never thought of myself as a thinker but being alone really makes you think.
Well going into this surgery I was in the mindset that I would get so much stuff done, and most of them didn't require any physical activity except picking up a phone, filing, and all the none physically stressful things. What I didn't think about was the mental/emotional stress it would put on me. To try and make you understand... Have you ever felt like you were in the mood to get so much stuff done, but couldn't because you couldn't physically do it or you are busy at work, running errands, etc? Well take that feeling, then have you ever felt like you have so much stuff to do, but dont want to do it? Thats how I feel. I want to clean the house top to bottom, and cant and have to do so many emotional/mental things that I dont even want to think about. I know I sound crazy 1. because I want to clean the house and 2 because how hard can doing paperwork stuff be. well I cant justify why I want clean the house, but not wanting to do paperwork, here is my to do list. hopefully in the next couple posts I can explain why they are so tough.
1. Figure out what to do with our 4 frozen embryos
2. Complete insurance claims forms for my surgery and Caysen's helmet
3. Organize all medical bills, expenses, including the receipts for our numerous trips down to Dallas for Caysen's appointments
4. File all bills that have been paid since the beginning of the year
5. Get all receipts calculated and orgainzied
6. Work on 2011 budget
7. Help with job hunting
8. Organize/caption photos online

I know a lot of these dont seem tough, but if they aren't emotionally taxing they are time consuming. The one thing I would LIKE to do is work on my scrapbooks, but that really shouldn't be done until I have my photos organized.

Ok that is everything I have going on, well on my to do list. There are other things going on that just makes thinking clearly hard. (maybe another post)

Before bedtime bottles and after baths. I dont usually put them in matching/coordinating clothes but when it comes to PJ's I love to. these say "current family favorite"

The twins playing with Daddy on the floor before bathtime.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Mothering twins in OK

This hopefully will be short, but I just have to get it off my chest.
Some of you may know that I belong to a Mom's of Multiples group in tulsa. TMOMs. I joined this when I was pregnant because doctors, books, etc. all said it was a great idea to kind of prepare yourself for life with twins. I cant say it has been a total bust but I have learned more from two fellow mom's of twins that are not in the group. One is actually by Ob's daughter, who also did IVF and the other is her friend from highschool who has boy girl twins.
I had PPD once the kids were born and I honestly think part of it was because of the TMOM group.  I know that sounds crazy but they filled my head with all the great stuff, not the bad things, that I wish people would prepare you for. In a nutshell they all had husbands that were 110% hands on, and to make a very long, terrible story short I basically considered myself a single mother when it came to taking care of the twins. A and J were the nonTMOM friends that actually told me about what we can classify as "BHS" broken, husband syndrome. What we are talking about is when you have twins and instead of getting more help, you get even less help then you imagined you would. Most women figure they will be the ones changing diapers, feeding, getting up at night, but few think they will be the only ones also playing with the kids. Well the three of us had this.
I will say that A at the time worked part time at her dad's office, and J is a stay at home mom. A now is going to nursing school, but her twins are just over a year old.
I never asked them why they didn't join the TMOM group, but I dont blame them.
The reason for my raint is this...
If anyone is part of groups, more specifically email groups you know that it can be a great thing at times, you can ask questions and get lots of responses in a very timely fashion. I rarely took advantage of this because I wasn't a stay at home mom. Not becuase I cant be but I dont want to be. I feel a marriage is a parentership along with parenting (thats partially why I had such a hard time with the hubs not helping out much), and in order to fulfill my part of the partnership I want to work as well. Even if I didn't think of marriage like this I wouldn't be able to stay home full time. I applaud women that stay home with their kids, but I feel you have to be the right type of person. ok sorry I was going off on a tangent, so anyway.... most of the TMOMs are stay at home mom's or they work from home, part time etc. Anytime I would ask questions I would get a lot of responses all which would help my situation IF I didn't work full time. The biggest issue I have had recently, the main reason I am blogging this, is because emails have been going around about playdates. Now I totally think the twins should play with other kids not only their age but also with other multiples, but my problem was that all the playdates are during the week, which a 8-5 working mom cant accomadate, so I have missed them. Most recently an email went out about having playdates for mom's in south tulsa, so I made a comment about possibly playdates in the evenings or weekends. What has kind of been the last straw you could say is that most women said they cant do evening because their kids go to bed so early. I am not knocking anyones parenting style (I know plenty could knock mine) but it just shed light that I dont belong to this group. I partially think its because its Oklahoma. I know there are tons of SAHM (stay at home moms) in all states but ever since I have been here, it seems to be the norm that once you have a baby you stay home.
Ok sorry I wasted your time, but just wanted to vent. Just because you have twins doesn't mean you have to be a stay at home mom. I want to form my own group now, TWMOM (Tulsa WORKING moms of multiples)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Stitch Free

Ok I will apologize right now because this post will probably sound so shallow and vain.
So Thursday I got my stitches taken out. I would really like to explain the feeling of this, but I really cant. I have tried and nothing seems to accurate portray the feeling. So here is a vague description of what they did. If you have ever had stitches removed, good for you. I have never had stitches, well thats not completely true I have had like 4 stitches that were dissolvable, so I dont think those count, since I didn't have to get them removed. Well these stitches you had to get removed but because the surgeon didn't want there to be much scarring he did internal stitches with roughly 6-8 external. If you can imagine pulling a thread out of a shirt, you know how you have a starting point and you can pull the thread almost entirely out. Well that is what they did, they had 6-8 external points wear they cut the thread and would pull, so they were dethreading me internally. Yes it hurt, but it was a very weird feeling. And I honestly believe that it would have hurt more if they hadn't cut through all my nerve endings in my stomach to do the procedure. I guess it was a good thing ;)
Ok well here is the vain and shallow part. Since I went to this doctor at my intial consultation he looked at my stomach and said that he would be able to remove all my stretch marks, yes I had a lot, so I was really excited. Well Thursday was the first day I was able to even see anything and he didn't get all the stretch marks out. I know I am lucky compared to some women who have to live with all the stretch marks, but I guess I just had my hopes up because he said he could remove them all. He never garunteed he could get them all he just said looking at the hernia and where my muscles were he thought he would be able to get them. And what sound weird is that I had three little stretch marks on the side of my hip that I knew he couldn't get rid of because my skin wouldn't be able to stretch that far, so I was excited to keep those. I thought "hey what a great trade off, remove hundreds of stretch marks and keep three little ones". Well wrong. Just so happens that my three little ones were right on the incision line, so you can see maybe 1 of the 3. Well I guess my main problem stems from seeing all the before/after pictures of people and I guess I just expected to see the after picture on me now. Of course its not there yet, I have a good two-four weeks of swelling to go down before I look anything like the after pictures. So although my mom and doctor, nurse, etc all say everything looks good its hard for me to see it, so honestly right now I am not very happy with the results. Yes it looks better then it did my stomach even know is flat, probably flatter then pre baby but I just wanted to see the curves. I think the thing I have to get over is that some people dont have curves no matter how much work they get done. If I look at it that way I am not that upset. 
Ok I am done being vain and shallow for now, here are a few pictures (sorry if its TMI)

here I am before the stitches came out

After they took the stitches out

here I am standing up the next day without my wrap on. That dark hole is my bellybutton, it has disolvable stitches in it. and I am still very swollen.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Me, My Hernia, and I

So on Aug. 27th I had surgery to fix my ingastric hernia. This surgery was a total of 6 hours long. The reason for such along surgery was because they had to put a medical "chicken wire" to hold my intestines in and bind my abdominal muscles together and then the muscles are secured together with live cell tissue (a  mesh wall) to hold them in). Thats all interior, because of the drastic change in shape I woudl have a lot of extra skin, so the surgeon woudl then remove the extra skin, and since I had stretch marks and an umblical hernia, he just removed the front of the stomach skin. Essentially a tummy tuck. All of this took 6 hours.
This was a great thing because I no longer look 6 months pregnant, and a bonus my stretch marks(majority) of them are gone. The down size is now will have a scar horizontal scar from hip bone to hip bone and a vertical scar from pelvic bone to breast bone. I am a little scared to see what it looks like, but I was always going to have the dark line down my belly from pregnancy so its not that much different and the hip bone scar I should be able to cover up with any bottoms-hopefully.
Now this surgery means alot to me. It kind of is like my ending. Almost two years to the day (1 week shy of two years) ago I started my, what I call, pregnancy journey. Two years ago labor day weekend I had my first surgery ever. Laproscopic surgery to repair a septum in my uterus. During that surgery we found that I did not have endometrosis, but adhensions which we have determined was caused by my appendix leaking. These adhensions destroyed my fallopian tubes, thus sending us down the path of IVF. We started IVF prep Feb 2009 and did our retrieval and transfer in May. Jan 2010 the twins were  born, and since we got one of each we decided we were happy with our two and are done. So August I finished my pregnancy/baby journey. I know that seems a little weird to say finished with my pregnancy journey, but basically with this last surgery having a tummy tuck doctors do not recommend having anymore children. You are probably asking why, well.. the reason for this is repairing the hernia doens't cause problems when having more children but tightening the abdominal muscles back up and removing the extra skin, means that getting pregnant again it would essentially reverse the muscle tightening and stretch out the "new" skin, which means after having any more children I would have to have this surgery again because the chances of my body going back to "pre-baby" body is extremely unlikely. So we had to make a decision on if we were wanting to have more children to post pone the surgery, but would have to find a balance because the ingastric hernia would start to be dangerous for my health. In so many words, if we wanted to have more children and didn't want to pay for my surgery again we would need to start within the next year, and after having twins, money and room would be the largest of our concerns. So of course you figured out our decision, I had surgery. Craig and I know that there is always that chance of a miracle baby, since I have to IVF to get pregnant if a miracle happens and I got pregnant we would not have a problem at all paying for the surgery again.
Anyway, I had surgery on Friday the 27th, went back on Monday to make sure everything was going ok. This appt they monitored my drainage-yes drainage I had two drains and every 2-3 hrs we had to empty them and record the amount of fluid. If you have never had drains-good for you, if you have you know how nasty it is. Well last thursday my fluid was extremely low so they took my drains out, I cant explain the feeling, except it felt like someone was pulling a worm out of my stomach. Tomorrow, Thursday, I get my stitches out. I have to be honest that I am a little scared because I have never had stitches before and so never had them removed and I just dont want the pain. Oh yeah and another sucky thing about the surgery is I am on bedrest for a month (which is more strict then I was pregnant with the twins) and what is so hard, is that I cannot lift anything including the kids.
Well I dont have any post surgery pictures (sisn't think a picture of my drains would be very pleasing) but hopefully tomorrow I can put some up. But for now here is what my stomach looked like the morning of my surgery.

I know it doesn't look that bad, just looks like I have been lazy and let fat take over, but to give you an idea I am actually 5 lbs under pre pregnancy weight.

Caysen's diagnosis

I want to take a little bit of time to update you all on what all is going on. I will apologize in advance if this post is a little boring.


Well the past few months I have been dealing with Caysen being diagnosed with Left toricollis, placiocephaly and asymetrical braciocephaly. Or should I say not being diagnosed. Basically what has happened was when Caysen was born he had what looked to be a flat spot on the back of his head. At every doctor appointment we would bring his head shape up to the doctor and she would say it is fine, and it will fill out and be more "normal". Well it hadn't gotten that much better, and my babysitter had taken the twins to a mom's playdate where a mother there asked if he had torticollis. The reason she asked this was because of his flat spot on his head. She also said that her daughter had to wear a helmet. This is where it dawned on me that I should ask about the helmet thing to my Moms of Multiple Group. Seems like a weird connection but with the email group I have with them I had seen several emails about helmets, etc, but never bothered to read them because I had never heard of torticollis, plagiocephaly, or braciocephaly. Well when asking the TMOM's they had informed me that you do not get a helmet for torticollis but for plagiocephaly and braciocephaly. They recommended that I do a free screening at our local hospital. So I arranged for a screening-keep in mind still with my pediatrician saying he was fine. At that point in time Caysen was diagnosed with Left torticollis with what they believed as plagiocephaly and bossing. Becuase it was a physical therapist she couldn't technically diagnos plagiocephaly or bossing, but recmmeneded that I go to STAR Cranial center in Dallas, TX who also have a free evaluation. So within the next two weeks I had scheduled a free evaluation from STAR Cranial the only down fall-we had to drive to Dallas. Not a real far drive, 4 hrs, but far enough that a down and back in one day wears you out. Since the kids were spending a week with my parents I scheduled it so that they would go with me down to Dallas. So we made a two day trip out of it and it was nice. The twins got to see my grandparents for the first time along with my Aunt Ang and my cousins.

During this time I spoke with my insurance and found out that they do not cover orthosis that change the shape of the body. Meaning the helmet would not be covered. Once talking with insurance though, they did suggest that I still go through the process of getting preauthurization for the helmet. I was dreading the whole process because I went through a similar process roughly two years ago, when trying to see if they would cover any infertility treatments. It didn't turn out good, but what was a positive was that during the process we figured out that if we switched to Craig's insurance it would be completely covered, perfect timing.

Well of course we couldn't do anything like that with Caysen's helmet and wait till the first of the year to switch back to my insurance because time was money-literally. The older he got the longer he would have to wear the helmet and the longer he wears the helmet the greater the chance he has of having to wear more then one helmet. To give you an idea, one helmet cost roughly 2500.00 so two of those would run 5k. Althouh IF my insurance would cover we still have an out of pocket maximum of 3500. Well although insurance now doesn't cover we are only paying 2500. So in the long run we are saving 1k.

So after our evaluation at STAR Cranial I was secretly hoping they would tell us, "oh although he has a little bit of a flat spot his head is still in normal range and just seems a little more obvious now because he doesn't have much hair.

Well...... we were wrong. He actually was diagnosed with moderate plagiocephaly, mild asymmetrical braciocephaly, with right front bossing and ear misalignment. -I have to say I was shocked, I didn't know all those things were wrong, but what was promising was that he did tell us that we were catching it in time and that we would probably only need one helmet.

Fast forward a month and after gathering all the diagrams, letters of medical necessity, research, etc. (I had roughly 15 pages) of documentation I sent to insurance to try and plead my case that they should cover the helmet, we were denied. I have to say I was a little hurt, but also knew that you get to chances to appeal and I appealed once but I wasnt going to appeal a second time because if I did and insurance denied again, then they would not even consider the claims STAR cranial would be submitting. I know that probably seems weird but with STAR Cranial they have said that after submitting medical codes, etc sometimes insurance will cover. So I have opted not to try and submit the same documentation again for a second appeal. That is why it took me so long to do the first one because I made sure I got all the information I possibly could before submitting, so that if it was denied I would know I did everything I could.

Plus on a positive note, because we have spent so much money on medical this year, we will be able to file some of it against our insurance. I am not a tax expert but basically if you spend more then 7.5% of your annual income on medical , thats perscriptions, bills, travel expenses, etc you can file it against your insurance. So I am trying to look on the bright side.

Anyway I gave you all the boring information to say this. Last Thursday Caysen got his helmet! I at first was really scared because as a money you wont to protect your kids, and to find out he had to get a helmet for his head, just made me feel like I did something to cause it. Although EVERYONE has said there was nothing I could have done, especially with having twins the size I did, but its still tough, and you want to protect them and take blame for everything, and especially since I was on bedrest and couldn't go down with him to watch him get the helmet put on I figured I would cry like a baby. And I have to say when Craig sent me a picture at the Dr. office I cried like a little baby for a couple hours. But once he got home and I saw him in it, and that it didn't bother him and he looked rather cute, I felt better. You are probably wondering how long will he have to wear it.. He has to wear it every day for roughly 23 out of 24 hours of the day. He gets to take it off for roughly an hour during bath time so I can clean it daily. And hopefully at his next appt on the 13th we will find out roughly how long he will have to wear it. My goal is that he will get it off by the first of the year if not sooner.

Ok so here are a few pictures of him in his helmet. And I have to say the helmet couldnt have come at a better time. He is just now starting to climb like a monkey on and off everything so he is hitting his head a lot on stuff, and now with the helmet it doesn't phase him. Its kind of nice.

Its a little blurry b/c its from Craig's cell phone, but this is after its fitted and still at the doctor office.

Caysen enjoying his helmet and a snack.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Wow,, Dont know what to say

So I told myself that I would blog more and I really do plan on it. I have to say that I applaud everyone that are serious bloggers especially the mom's out there. I really do have a schedule and have made time to do "my thing" in the evenings, but never realized that once I got the time freed up how fast it fills up.
I know I have said I will post monthly pictures of the kids, and I will, but right now my free time is filled with Baby showers, work, and dealing with insurance.
When I get all the insurance stuff handled I will blog more about it, but all I want to say right now is....
Dear Insurance,
Please explain to me the common sense in completely covering IVF that costs thousands of dollars, but yet will not cover a orthosis for a child that is only a few thousands dollars? And if you are paying to cut me open why would you not pay to stitch me back up?
anyway, just a warning when I finally get to blogging on insurance it will be a LONG one.
Dont get me wrong I appreciate what insurance has covered but I would like logic to be used when selecting and rejecting what will be covered.

On a happier note... this past weekend we got pictures taking for the kids 6 months. Man how time is flys and really notice how fast they grow when you are doing the same thing a few months down the road. Our 3 month pictures the kids couldn't sit on their own, they were not real responsive. it was the random smiling, etc.  This time around they could sit on their own and not only smile on command (just because they can do it when they want doesn't mean they smile when you tell them to, but they could) and they could even laugh.
Because it was so hot, we only took a few pictures outside and the rest we did at our house, and they lasted more then an hour and were happy the whole time.
From what we could see of the pictures they were great, I cannot wait to get them back and I will for sure posts them.

I know this is a short one, but I wanted to make sure I kept the post going. Like I said I have a lot on my plate right now and once insurance which is the biggest hurdle right now is accomplished I will be able to write more about that "fun" experience and everything else going on in my life.
it always seems like when you things are looking up, its way up and when things are going bad its really bad and right now is a joyous bad time in my life. (kind of hard for a bad thing to be happy, but everytime I see the kids I realize that not everything is bad, and although things are tough I'm doing everything for a reason and thats to better their life)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

6 months ALREADY!

I cant believe its been 6 months already. Time is really flying. Luckily I had a goal to take a picture at every holiday, special event and since we had their birth in January. Valentines day in Feb., St. Patrick's Day in March, Easter in April, Mother's day and baby dedication in May, Father's day in June and Fourth of July, I have gotten a picture every month. Of course I am not that bad, I have taken other pictures but its easier to take pictures on a holiday, not only because they are already dressed up but its easy to remember the date.
In the next week or so I will do a recap with pictures, but until then here is where we are.

The kids had their 6 month appt yesterday. Price weighed 20 lbs 5oz. which is 97%, and measuring 26.5 inches long putting her in the 75% range. Caysen weighed 17 lbs 9oz, placing him in the 50% and measuring 27 inches tall, which he was also in the 75%.  Shots went pretty good, mixing teething, with nap time, and shots, not good, but at least as soon as we got in the car they were out.
SO what have they accomplished up to now?:
*sleeping through the night-most nights, teething causes them to wake up.
*hold their own bottles to feed
*starting solids!!!
*sit up on their own
*Price has two bottom teeth
*Caysen's first bottom tooth is coming in
*Rolling over stomach to back and back to stomach
*they laugh and smile so much.
*Price knows how to play peek-a-boo and Loves it
*Caysen loves making car noises
*They both talk all the time, alot of time to each other

I love that they are accomplishing so much, but I hate it at the same time. I want to cherish them being babies and with every milestone they accomplish that's one step farther from being a baby and one step closer to being all grown up.
Some days I sit back and just watch them in amazement that I even have kids, I feel like one day I will wake up from this dream. Then there are days where I try to savior every second because the next day I will be going to their graduations and reminiscing on when they were this small.

I know people think being a parent of twins is hard, and I think being a first time parent is hard in general adding another one to the mix is not harder just forces you to be more creative. I have to say that at times it is a little overwhelming, but for the most part I am just thankful they were my first because I don't know any different. The one thing that is tough, is with two you want them to be independent faster, so again you want them to grow up for convenience but you get so focused on them being independent that you miss all the little things.
I think it makes it even harder for me because we know we are not having anymore kids, so on a day to day approach you want them to be self sufficient, but looking longer term you want them to slow down so you can enjoy every individual moment.
At the end of the day, or in this case 6 months I have to say I never could have imagined being happier then I am now, being a mom to twins. Life all in all is so much fun.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Its Been Awhile

Ok so no more excuses. Life has been a little more crazy then I thought it would be, I know some may laugh because having kids, well its something no one can really prepare you for.
I have been wanting to blog so much lately but if you know much about me I am all about schedules, and I have not gotten a set routine. But I have determined that if you want to do something bad enough you will make time, and I have enough of a routine to make time. My goal is to blog once a week minimum. Especially with everything about to go on, and things that have gone on I could probably blog about something daily, but I will spare everyone the bore. Although I am not as good as a lot of people including pictures in nearly every posts, I will have posts though.
I have to say thanks to Megan from  In this wonderful life after following her blog I have really realized how much blogging can recap events you want to remember in your life, and how it can help others just by reading it.
In the past I have had several posts about my journey to children and I hope it has helped someone out there. And with more things to come I just hope if nothing else besides an outlet for me, and an update for friends and family, my story can help someone out there.
More to come!

Monday, March 8, 2010

C-Section

Let me say again that a c-section was not my ideal way of giving birth, but hey at the end of the day I am blessed enough to be able to give birth to healthy babies.
So my C-section was a great experience. I hated the staples but just today I had my 6 week check up and you cant even see a scar at all.
I of course wish things could be different but you have to make the best of your situation.
There isn't much to say about my c-section that I haven't already voiced in previous posts, but the few things I want to say about a C-section is...
-The numbing shots were the most painful part, and they felt like someone just pricked me skin.
-I didn't feel the spinal block needle at all.  My progesterone shots I had to take for 13 weeks were 20 times harder and more painful then any needles/shots they gave me for delivery
-I cant remember much of the delivery process or hours after due to the meds, which I wish I could change
-I absolutely loved the cathiter(sp?) and taking it out wasn't paniful-actually wasn't even noticeable.
-The first few days in the hospital were a little difficult. I felt really warn down, and I think the only reason it was so tough was because I was so scared of my staples.
-Taking my first shower at the hospital was so scary. The shower was not fit for anyone to bath in, it was tiny, maybe a three by three block-very difficult to try and keep an incision dry.-but big thanks to my mom for helping me.
-Getting released in the hospital was so wonderful. Although I was the one that had major surgery, I felt like a prisoner instead of a patient that needed to be pampered because I just wanted to get my babies home.

I have to say the emotional part of recovering from a c-section and I think this could go for all deliveries vaginal or c-section, is the fear of messing something up. To me it was so tough to relax and let things heal as normal because I wanted to get back out there and do things, but then I knew that if I wasn't careful I could mess up things internally permanently.  I was so worried, that if I didn't do this or that I could never "go back to normal"

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Delivering the Twins

So I apologize this is so delayed, but finding time well.. has been difficult. But I think not being able to post my delivery and experience right away is actually a good thing, because I would change it.
Well we left aroung 5am Tuesday morning, and to my surprised I slept like a baby Monday night. I actually had to rush to get out of the house because I slept in longer then I should have.  But it I showered and did my final walk through the house, to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything.
Here is a picture of Craig and I right before we left for the hospital.

We got to the hospital and I refused to take a wheelchair up to labor and delivery. Thats me being my stubborn self. But I felt great and fine and had a lot more energy then I did the few days previous. I checked into my room and was hooked up within thirty minutes or so.  Which was wonderful, but since It was only 6:15 I had roughly an hour to wait till c-section. What was so wonderful was that I was laying there, trying to find something to watch on TV(not much on in the am expect the news-BORING). As I layed there I made the comment to the nurse that the twins were having a party since they knew it was time. The nurse looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Hun you are having major contractions. Do you not feel any discomfort or pain?" I kind of laughed and was like, "umm no.  These are contractions? If thats the case I have been having these for weeks now."
It was great to know that I had been having contractions and they weren't hurting at all, but on the other hand I was really upset because if I was able to handle contractions that well, I really wish I would have been able to have a vaginal delivery. I thought like that alot but every time I would get down that I couldn't have my ideal delivery. (Yes I know I am crazy but while most girls dreamt of their dream wedding I always dreamt of my "dream"delivery. A vaginal birth with no epidural.) I would just let my planner self kick in and say, "hey if I did it any other way I wouldn't get to plan their birth date,etc" So that made me feel a little better.
Anyway it was finally time to deliver, so they wheeled me back to the room and to my disappointment the room was tiny.  I know it doesn't matter how big the room was since I dont move around but I just expected something else. So I made a comment to the nurse and she was like, "yeah I know, you would think a person delivering twins they would put you in the larger room, and a room that was slightly warmer, but guess thats good since we will be all nice and cozy in here." So once I got in there the "sleep" Dr came in and all I have to say is.. Prick! He was a early 30's guy, decent looking, but you could tell he thought he was hot stuff.  He came in and I could tell the nurses were not too thrilled because they immediately asked about the other sleep Dr. His response was, "Oh he is moving a little slow this morning so I will knock this one out real quick so you guys can get started." I just thought to myself, "Hey dork! I can hear you and you are not that special so I can wait." Well that didn't make me feel much better because the only thing I was scared of.. well the only two things I was afraid of with a c-section was the spinal block and getting staples. Once I was told they normally dont do staples I felt much better, so the only thing I was scared of was the spinal block and having a tool bag doing it didn't make me feel any better.  So the scary part came and Dr. Babb was great and he leaned me forward and was talking to me trying to keep my mind off the block.  Well believe it or not, I only felt a tiny prick when they did the numbing medicine and for sure didn't feel the block at all. My shots during IVF hurt more then that, so once it was over I felt so good to go.
Once they laid me down they were getting everything ready and went and got Craig.  The sleep Dr. told me that I would be numb from the boobs down and I would feel a little pressure but nothing else. Well just in the few minutes it took for them to get Craig, I felt so tired. I was struggling to keep my eyes open, and I couldn't feel a thing, not even a little pressure.
Here is a picture(not so lovely) of me laying on the table, while they are cutting me open.-Thanks Hun


Well all I remember thinking while they started in on me was "hurry up and get them out so I can go to sleep." My eyes were SO HEAVY, I was very thankful they get the kids out within the first 10 minutes of the c-section, because if it was any later I dont know if I would have seen them. About 5 minutes in the sleep Dr asked me how I was feeling and at that time I couldn't swallow, I was trying not to panic, but I couldn't swallow-scary. So I told him and he was like, "oh, hmm, ok, try and squeeze my hands." so he went from one side and had me try and squeeze his hand, and I could barely move my hand. Of course I really couldn't feel my arms the minute Craig walked in the room because he came over and held my hand and my first words to him was, "dont worry about holding my hand,I cant feel you anyway." Well after not being able to squeeze the Dr's hand he did something and I could swallow again, couldn't really move my arms but atleast I wasn't freaking out.
Well finally they pulled Caysen out, I was so happy, couldn't show it because I was so numb and tired, but I was more excited that he was first so Price had a "big brother". When he held him up all I remember thinking was, "ok thats great put him down because that blood is about to drip on me."-I know what a motherly thing to say right... well thats me. I dont even remember seeing Price, but I know I did.
Here are their pictures.


CAYSEN DEAN 6lbs 7oz. 19in. 7:38am

PRICE MAKENZIE 7lbs 0oz. 18 1/2in. 7:39am

After the twins were born the only other thing I remember of the c-section was hearing thumping before they finished with me. They wheeled me back into my room and the sleep Dr. came in. I was in the room by myself because Craig was with the twins and my mom went down to see them. Well the prick, sleep Dr came in and was like, "well we numbed you, I did a good job, almost a little too good of a job because we almost had to put you under." Apparently when he numbed me and me not being able to swallow, if it would have continued they would have had to put me completely under and put a tube down my throat. All I have to say is "Thanks you butt head!!!" I mean a positive spin is that he numbed me so well that the c-section experience pain wise was PERFECT.
Then Dr. Babb came in and he was the sweetest man, but he told me the one thing I didn't expect to hear. He said they had to use staples because I was stretched so much there wasn't any skin to stitch together. He did tell me the only thing with staples was the outside layer, everything internally was stitched, so thats a plus but I was terrified.  Atleast it made since what that thumping noise was I heard.
So you are probably wondering why I made the comment at the beginning of the post that if I would have posted this right after the delivery it would be totally different. The reason I say that is because if I reflected right after delivery I would have said I remembered everything but as I have talked to friends with Craig and told them what I remember Craig would correct me. I know I have dragged this on, so to make a long story short, basically from post c-section to around 7 tuesday night I blacked out.
Here are the twins Tuesday night.

Price and Caysen

Friday, February 19, 2010

Playing catch up

Ok just wanted to apologize to everyone, I really planned on blogging a lot more, but needless to say I have been a little busier then I expected.
So look in the next few days for a few posts. my posts will include, a summary of the delivery/experience, first month home, recovering from a c-section, and the reflection of being a new mommy-of twins. Also I have to dedicate a post to my friend and Godmother of the twins, Mommy Meggie.

Monday, January 18, 2010

The final hours

Well I think I can officially say I made it!!!!
I wanted to blog a few days ago about how stubborn I was and wanted to prove to everyone including the Dr's that I knew my body better then them, and that I would make it past the 14th.  Which was the orginally C-section date. I really wanted the 27th but there was no way the Dr's would allow that. And now I can see why and I honestly dont know if I would make it or not till then, just in the past day or two the pregnancy "feeling" of being done has really hit me.  My hips have been hurting/grinding, I am getting kicked in the ribs so its hard to breath, pressure on my back, the whole nine yards. Then again I wonder if the reason I have been feeling that is because I refused to let my body feel that way before and now that I know its over, I am giving in to my body's natural course. But anyway I didn't want to blog earlier in fear I would jinx myself.
The one thing I wanted to say was, I always made fun of my mom being a "freak of nature" when it came to pregnancy.  She never had any pregnancy symptoms, and the only way you could tell she was pregnant was the basketball shaped thing in the front.  My biggest thing is that the night before I was born she was playing tennis! To me that is just crazy and thought she was nuts for being able to do that. unfortunately I wont be able to compare my labor and delivery to her since I have to have a c-section, but she had no problems whatsoever and basically "popped us out" my brother and I both were quick. I always made fun of her but now I realize that maybe if I was only having one that I would be the same way.  I really haven't had a bad pregnancy at all. sure the heartburn caught me off guard and it typically was because of what I ate or what time I ate in relation to going to bed. I really haven't had any back problems, until a day or so ago, only within the last few weeks have I started swelling in the feet, but its quickly remedied by laying down with my feet up. Of course at first I was not used to my legs feeling heavy, so stairs would be a work out, but it was because of the amount of blood my body was trying to pump with two babies.  I didn't have any morning sickness, and really didn't start getting the "I'm always hungry" feeling till about two weeks ago, and it would be on and off. So I reflect now on the pregnancy and have to say that I feel very blessed and lucky to have such an easy pregnancy.
Now my recent feelings have been very difficult to describe. Of course I should feel so excited, and dont get me wrong I am but its being over shadowed by sadness. I know that is not a normal feeling, but after going through IVF and all the shots, tests, etc. I feel like I worked so hard to get pregnant, that the Dr is just going to take it away from me so fast. Of course all pregnancies come to an end, but its only the beginning of the rest of their and their babies lives, but its still hard to think of it that way. Do I want to stay pregnant forever?--Heck No. but just the thought that with IVF you are working to get pregnant and that is what you focus on is the intial getting pregnant, that you dont really think about doing IVF to get pregnant to have a baby type thought. So I have to admit this whole experience is a bittersweet one, I am so sad that my IVF journey is going to be over, but I am so happy my IVF journey will be over. Also I was nervous about the spinal block (the needle) but after my pre-op today and they explained how they numb the area so I wont really even feel the needle break the skin, I feel a lot better about that. The other item I am worried about is breastfeeding. Its the unknown factor, of course I want to try and breastfeed, but its that, what if my milk doesn't come in, or the kids dont want to take, etc. things I cannot control. Everything I have basically been able to control so having something that I am not able to control, makes me a  little worried.  Also I hate to say it, but I am glad I wont get much sleep the first night because I am so scared to spend the night in the hospital. I have never spent more than a few hours in a hospital, so staying over night just makes me a little upset.
Anyway.... I only have a few hours to go before my babies will be here, this will be so wonderful and of course I will put pictures up when I can.
One last parting picture of my being pregnant for the final time.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Nursery



Ok so I think I have the nursery to a point I am semi satisfied with. I know most would think I would be in love with it, and its nice, but it's not exactly what I was wanting, but the hubby wanted to have a part so it was a combination of our visions I guess you could say.


Here is the changing table/dresser with my glider, that hubs actually picked the color. And he did the dot pattern.




This wall is a little plain, but I like it. The corner shelves hold our monitor and thermometer.
The art in the corners I did myself, here are close ups...



I really wanted something that had their names on it but didn't want the typical block letters handing over the crib or changing tables.


I didn't feel like moving my hospital bag and supplies out of the way of the picture, so sorry.


Here is another small wall that we put more dots on.


I think they have plenty of clothes to start off with, what worries me is that all the clothes we have are newborn, 0-3 months, and a few 3-6 months, and yes the dresser in the closet is also stuffed with clothes.

So the one thing I actually surprised myself with, was that I decorated more from a practicality stand point. I didn't buy cute little crib bedding, mainly because I couldn't find anything that was in bright colors, that wasn't themey, and would work for a boy and a girl, and worked with the bright green walls. So Since I needed a bumper I bought the breathable bumpers, but I think even if I would have found bedding I liked I would have got the breathable bumpers anyway. Then I didn't put too much on the walls, mainly because I didn't want anything hanging over the cribs that could fall on the kids, or above the changing table for the same reason, and there aren't really any other walls besides where I put the picture up makes sense to put up art. The word art I created will most likely get moved once they start standing in their cribs, but its also far enough away that they will have to really reach. The shelves are high enough that they wont be able to reach atleast not anytime soon, plus there was not way of getting around having something that would hold the baby monitor and to balance the room you need one on each side so I liked being able to use the other shelf for the thermometer.  Well sorry for the explination, just felt like it was warranted since the nursery didn't turn out exactly how I invisioned it, but its simple and bright and thats the main thing I wanted to accomplish.

6 days!!!!!

Well less than a week now. The question everyone ask is "are you excited? are you nervous" and the honest answer is no and no. I mean yes I am excited to a point, but I always thought I would be a lot more excited. I think it will hit once we are at the hospital. Well atleast I hope so. I think what is overshadowing the excitment is my nerves on the spinal block and staying overnight in the hospital. Yes, doing IVF and having to do all the needles you would think I would be ok with needles, but it actually had the reverse effect on me. I had no problem with needles before IVF, but doing three to four shots a day for over a month and then having Craig give me a shot for 13 weeks, was not helpful. So my fear is just feeling the needle. I am not concerned with the risks, like everyone worries about, I just worry about the pain of the shot. I have talked to some of my friends who had spinal blocks and they say you only feel the intial prick of the skin but thats it. So thats my first fear. Once the spinal block is done I will be so happy, and for the most part the whole day will be great. My next worry is the night time. I cant believe I am saying this but I am actually happy that I wont get much sleep, just because I have never spent more than a few hours in a hospital let alone spending several nights, so I am a little scared, but I am sure after the first night I will so tired, that I wont even think twice about sleeping in a hospital.
Well other than the worries, everything is going so well. I really have to say I have been very lucky. Especially with twins I really haven't had any problems, I think I do owe part of that to my Dr., who put me on unrestricted bedrest. I think it has made me go a lot longer. Also I think I owe it to genetics from my mom, who played Tennis the night before she delivered me-impressive.
I will work on getting my nursery pictures taken and uploaded, and give a little more "pregnancy" details.