I am still on bedrest so I have plenty of time to watch "trash tv", which is what is prompting me to write this.
Most women are busy during the day so they dont have the "luxury" to watch Maury, but I do. If you haven't watched in a long time, it has basically turned into the "Are you my daddy show". Alot of these men claim they are not the dad, talk a big game, etc. And the few that are the dad's half of them man up, want to be apart of the kids life. Its very sweet to realize they want to take responsiblity. But what strikes a nerve for me is that there are 18yr old BOYS that are wanting to be apart of a newborns life, be there to help with changing, feeding. the works. Immediately I get a little mad because I had two babies and a very capable husband that did NOTHING. I dont want to sound unappreciative of my husband because he does do alot, but when I was pregnant I didn't get any support. The most support I got was that he would come to every doctor appointment-which shocked me, and if I asked him to get something for me or help me he would, and instead of complaining he would just do it. I am very independent so most of the time it didn't bother me, the other thing he would do is always hit the handicap doors at work, when I would visit him so I didn't have to open the doors. and that actually bothered me because it made me feel helpless. But I never got foot rubs, back massages, anything. The only thing that he wanted to do was help with late night cravings-which I didn't have. When he realized that I didn't have sonic, mcdonalds, wendy cravings he was a little disappointed.
Once the kids were born he helped a lot at the hospital when he was there-my choice, I wanted him to work while I was in the hospital if he wanted to so that he could spend more time once the kids were home. The way he acted in the hospital I felt very encouraged he would be an awesome dad-never doubted it. But once I got home, he basically stopped and while he went to work, so did I taking care of the kids. Dont get me wrong I did have the mentality that since he has to go to work every day I would do as much as I could. In that thought I assumed, especially after the hospital, he would WANT to help me-wrong.
I am happy to report that now, he likes to help because the kids are doing more things and he can actually play with them, and every time I see him with the kids it makes me fill with joy.
At times I wonder why I got a hubby that suffered from BHS (broken husband syndrome-dont help with the kids) but I quickly realized that a lot of times you follow in your father's footsteps. Well his dad was rarely involved with him growing up, and it is very aparent he doesn't know what to do-but thats a different story.
So that is why I get so mad that I see these kids on TV that have nothing, that aren't married, that didn't plan on having kids, stepping up and enjoying being apart of everything.
I also have friends who have very involved hubby's and I have to say I am not a jealous person, but it does make me a little jealous.
ok done with the hubby bashing.
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well I am glad you got to vent and get that all out!! I know that you know that you are NOT alone, and many people's husbands are the same way. At least you recognize that, and it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. However, I just want to try and lift your spirits and remind you again that so many people are involved in the same situation. My own father, in fact, had BHS and was not involved with helping with me or my brothers as a baby or around the house. He did not help my mother AT ALL. but like Craig, he stepped up once the kids got older. I guess I will stick up for the husbands a little by saying, well maybe they just don't know what to do? Maybe they just feel like the mother is perfectly capable of caring for the babies and maybe they just feel awkward and feel like their job is to work work work and support the family financially. I really wish I could get into their minds. Fathers find it really easy to play with the kids once they get older, maybe they just see that as their role and fall into naturally. That mindset is probably more common than we think. Don't worry about those people who have involved husbands.
ReplyDeleteI can see my husband having BHS, so it will be interesting to see if it plays out that way. He is planning to take a month off when the baby comes (it is just how it works with the PD, they get like 6 weeks of vacation a year and he has to use it up by then) but I wonder if he will actually care for the baby and be involved or just use that time off to do what he does best - handyman stuff around the house/home improvements and building things in the shop :). He has actually already alluded to this - he was talking about how great the month off will be and he will get SO much done around the house. I was like "excuse me? aren't you missing the most important point? you have not said ONE WORD about being home with your newborn and caring for them and helping me around the house". he was like....oh yeah. whoops. Maybe he just got a little carried away with his excitement of having more time for his hobbies and forgot we were even having a baby. I am just going to chalk it up to that :)
I am trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario. I have no expectations so I won't get disappointed!